I am tender. the holidays are approaching. as a young man, as a child as a husband as a father I in better times of faith have treasured these times. yet, now as an older man, reaping the fruit of his mistakes, making the best of a repentant life, my heart longs again for the love and anticipation that comes from being with family during the holidays. i guess it is a good thing that we have grouped all the major holidays together to get this deep melancholy over in one quick season of heart filled longing for family.
perhaps i carry a greater grief as the adopted. Never once seeing, smelling or experiencing the presence of my own flesh and blood of my creation.
this has always tacked itself onto the rejection in my life, that first initial rejection of my birth parents.
you who have followed this blog for almost 3 years, or any part of it will know that I have rectified my orphaness over time. Yet, approaching holidays, the moving of my daughter to another part of the country from our known home to me, has caused me to feel a greater distance between us.
yet, again, I know this pain is transient and will pass. And our lives will come together in a great glorious togetherness one day as we all continue to grow older, my daughter, my son, and me,
This deep melancholy also rises to remind me that God is all I have near me at these times. It serves as a reminder that no matter how far out into humanity I wish to make my life and its associations and its love, that there will be seasons of the heart, when I will need to weep before him when my heart is not large enough to hold my longings for the love of family.
So for this reason, it is worth it. To be reminded that my life comes from God. And perhaps even more, that something written here, some drawing posted or painting or photograph will bring someone else closer to their origin, their relief from some lingering pain of the heart.
I can only hope for the truth of resurrection of our lives and the thought that heaven is a true place filled with perfect love and family and laughter.
This bickering that goes on among the world, so much more it seems these days then when I was a child in my parents home. This waring of politics, the fear we are being taught of terrorism, this back and forth of who is worthy and who is not. This is a sad waste of who we are. Our lives should be filled with the writing of our poetry. the painting of our art, the baking of our bread. Not for us, but for each other. We as people, have the ability within us to bring peace, love and grace to each other. There is enough god in each of us to go around to solve this worlds issue. Yet, we can’t seem to get it right. We cant seem to cease arguing over the many details.
There is a place, a deep place near the darkest part of your pain, you can’t see it if you haven’t allowed the reality of God into your life yet. But it is there. When i first encountered it, years and years ago, after the first adult trauma, all I could see in that blackness was pain and awfulness, But today, today as I find myself perilously close to this same darkness, i know also there, here, is a place of joy, It is the hope that one day, this was all worth it, worthy of a journey we never set out to take, but one that we find ourselves on non the less. I know it is there, because it saved me from destruction several years ago.
Somehow, in our lives, whatever they have become, full or less or joyful or painful, we need to reach out and love each other. My God, why do we not do that?? I look over facebook and see so many posted you tubes of all that is wrong with the world, Al that we suppose is wrong with the current leadership, etc. I think it is irresponsible to criticize without overt loving of those we find fault with.
That was a few hours ago. As I woke with tears in my eyes. Now the sun has warmed my spirit and I am on my way throughout my day. Full of the blessing that is my life.
(you should know i talk with me kids dally via facebook. and it is the circumstance of helping them move and get into school that has kept us from being together this holiday season. And I will see at least my son in January., so the despair when it comes, comes with meaning and purpose, then quickly evaporates like a cold mist in the morning sun) )
